What Does a Death Doula Do? (And the Choices Nobody Tells You About)
You kind of just get swept along when someone you love is dying.. Somebody says "this is what happens next," and you nod, because what else are you supposed to do?
That's how I thought it worked, too.
Then I learned we had choices
My daughter Zoe was born with half a heart, and she fought like hell for every one of her 18 years. In March 2021, her body was done, and we all knew it.
Here's what I wrote about that time in my book:
"Before now, I hadn't known any of this was even possible. I mean, how would I?"
And I'm a certified birth doula! I knew all about how much support can surround a baby coming into the world. Turns out leaving the world can get that same kind of love. I just had to find out it was an option. And once I did? it changed everything.
The day I heard "death midwife"
When I made it clear that Zoe would be leaving us from home and nowhere else, Diane, one of the women helping care for Zoe, asked me a question I'll never forget:
Diane asks, "Have you ever heard of a death midwife?"
"No. But I'm a certified birth doula. So, is this like 'birthing out' instead of 'birthing in'?"
"Exactly. A death midwife is a person who helps loved ones pass peacefully at home in their own sacred space."
A few days later, a woman named Olivia came to our house. She "tells us that we have full control over everything that happens for Zoe from here on out."
Full control. I didn't know that was a thing.
"Corey and I birthed this beautiful being into the world. We will be the ones to birth her out of it."
So what does a death doula do?
A death doula (you'll also hear end-of-life doula or death midwife) is a non-medical person who supports someone who's dying, plus the people who love them. They don't give meds and they don't replace hospice. They work alongside it.
that can look like:
Talking through what your person wants while they can still tell you
Helping the family make a plan for the last days
Sitting vigil so the family can sleep or eat
Planning rituals or music that fit your person
Helping with what comes after, like caring for your person at home or planning a goodbye
Sticking around for the family once it's over
Options most people never hear about
Every family is different, and the rules change from state to state. (Zoe died in California. I'm in Connecticut now, and things work differently here.) But here are a few things I wish someone had told me way sooner.
You can die at home. With hospice support, a lot of people get to spend their last days in their own bed, with their own people and maybe a dog snoring at their feet.
You can make the vigil yours. Here's what ours looked like:
"We cocoon. We all sleep in Zoe's room at night and sit with her all day. We take turns telling stories, reading to her, massaging her, brushing her hair, playing her favorite music, watching reruns of Friends, and constantly telling her how brave she is and how much we love her."
Reruns of Friends. Nobody tells you that's allowed. It is.
You can care for your person yourselves. After Zoe passed, she stayed home with us, and the women in our family bathed her and brushed her long hair the way she loved. In Connecticut, a licensed funeral director has to handle moving the body and filing the paperwork. But families can often still be part of washing, dressing and saying goodbye. Ask your funeral home what you're allowed to do yourselves. You might be surprised.
You can make the vessel beautiful. "We chose a plain white cremation box for our family of artists to bestow their magic upon." My girls went to town on that thing. "Every inch of Zoe's vessel is covered with love in the form of art, which was one of her favorite ways to show her love."
You can say goodbye your way. We had a small celebration of life at home with our closest friends. Olivia led a ritual where "we all form a circle around Zoe while holding hands, raising the vibration of love to send Zoe off with." And when I'd had enough people in the house? A friend helped everyone out the door. You get to say no, too.
Talk about it before you need it
I know. Nobody wants to bring this up over dinner. But when you've talked about it ahead of time, you get to spend those last days with your person instead of scrambling.
The night Zoe died, Corey and I had zero idea what to do with ourselves. Then my friend Sierra said something I still think about:
"there is nothing to do but be."
That's what all of this buys you. The chance to just be.
If you're facing this right now, or you're carrying grief from a goodbye that didn't go the way you wanted, you don't have to sort it out alone. Reach out to me here. My free grief workbook is a good place to start, too. And Zoe's full story is in my book, The Heart That Healed Us All, coming early 2027.